THE FANTASY-FUELED CONNECTION
D. J. from Myrtle Beach, SC:
I really like your book. I've learned a lot from it. My wife was sort of skeptical, since she always said I wanted sex
too much, but now she's actually been reading the book. Her group of friends are now discussing it. How's that for
a turnaround? Anyway, I have never seen a question like this before on your website, a book or anywhere else,
and I'm damned sure not going to ask anyone I know. Here's the deal...when I'm making love to my wife, I
sometimes slip over into a fantasy world that is a real turn-on to me. The thing is that I usually don't think of
someone else, but my wife. And I don't think about my wife as she is now. I think of her when she was 40 or 30 or
like when we first got married. In my fantasy world, I'm still the same age I am now. Have you ever heard of
something like this? Am I dirty old man for thinking this way? It's like I'm having an affair with some younger woman
who is actually my wife. Am I some kind of sicko with a warped view of sex for thinking about things like this?
Jeoffrey and Renée:
First, you're not a dirty old man for thinking this way. Second, you're not a sicko for fantasizing about making love
to a younger image of your wife. In fact, from interviews that we've conducted all over the world and from mail and
emails we receive, you're in the majority. In fact, truth be told, while you are fantasizing about making love to a
younger version of your wife, she could likely be having the same fantasy about a younger you, and it could be
turning her on just as much as remembering her youthful image works for you!
- Just as "boomers and beyond" are becoming more open about enjoying
sex into their 60s, 70s, 80s and older, so are they becoming more aware of
the importance of psychological stimulation such as sexual thoughts and
fantasies. Also, just as seasoned lovers may need additional time for
physical stimulation during foreplay, they may need the additional boost of
prolonged mental stimulation.
- The most important sexual organ in any person of any age is the brain.
Don't feel guilty for using every possible sense or thought process that
will help you become a better lover and make things work well sexually for
you and her.
Think about her, regardless of the age you see her. Smell her
perfume, whether it's something she's wearing as you go
inside her or that special fragrance that attracted you when
you first met. Let her fill your senses, and don't worry about
what age she is in your fantasies.
Who knows? Now that you know that you are perfectly normal by thinking about your wife in a different time frame,
you may even want to ask about her fantasies about you (broach the subject tactfully and preferably not while
making love. We've even interviewed people who talked of sometimes beginning foreplay by picking a fantasy age
and time: "Remember that vacation to Miami back in 1968 when we stayed at the Fountainbleu and Frank Sinatra
sang `'In the Still of the Night' and with Ole Blue Eyes less than 15 feet away, under the table you ran your hand up
my leg when he got to the part 'Are you my life to be, my dream come true?' and then we went back to the room
afterwards and..."
Maybe something like that will work for you from time to time. Maybe the memories of your first time petting at the
drive-in theater will turn you into young lovers in older bodies. Regardless, you've got a wonderful virtual DVD
built into your brain, and it has a direct, powerful connection to your senses and genitals. Enjoy!
SWEET DREAMS
B.D. from Oklahoma:
I discovered your website through a friend who read Seasoned Romance, Book 1, and I've become quite a fan. I
loved your book and have read it several times, dog-earring my favorite sections. My question relates to those
passages. I've been a widow for 10 years. I'm 72 years old. I frankly thought sex was in the past. But since reading
your book, along with other books that you've recommended on your website, I've noticed that I've started having
the most intense dreams at times. It's not all the time, but when I do, I sometimes wake up so filled with
overwhelming desires. On the one hand, I'm so grateful to have these feelings again, but on the other hand I'm
not sure a little old church-going great-grandma should be thinking about something other than sex.
I haven't done anything about it. Sometimes I touch myself, and that feels very good, but it's certainly no substitute
for how it felt with my husband when he was inside me.
Have you ever heard of something like this? Am I some kind of sicko with a warped view of sex for thinking about
things like this? And is this unusual for someone my age?
Jeoffrey and Renée:
Yes. No. And definitely not!
Consider yourself very normal. You are 72 years old and could have many years of pleasure in the future. That
doesn't mean that you have to do anything like running out and having a torrid affair with the first person who
shows interest, but it does mean that you should celebrate these feelings and use them to express the dreams
that are welling up inside you.
- Are you alone in having erotic dreams? Absolutely not. We've seen and conducted
numerous surveys in which up to 80-percent of women admit to having "hot dreams" and
fantasies.
What's the number one fantasy? It's being seduced by a handsome stranger.
But does that mean that 80-percent would rush out and actually do that in real life?
Certainly not. That's what makes the fantasy...well...a fantasy.
effective, least expensive and safest.
But should a "little old church-going great-grandma" indulge? You wouldn't believe the wonderful fantasies we've
heard by women much like you who understand the value and excitement of occasional "intense dreams."
Studies such as the recent one by Gossard reveals that 92-percent of all women regularly take time out for self-
pleasuring, a huge jump from the findings of previous studies (74-percent in 1979 and 62-percent in 1953). Not
only do nine out of 10 women take matters into their own hands, so to speak, but especially among women who
have no sexual partner, two-thirds pleasure themselves three times a week.
The numbers taper off as a woman gets older, but the averages speak for themselves. More to the point, you
should understand that you are in good company.
Enjoy your dreams and fantasies. If you feel comfortable pleasuring yourself, try out the wonderful variety of
vibrators that are available (FirePointe.com features several for your convenience and confidential shopping on
our Hot Links page). There are a wide variety, from small to large, gentle to intense and hum-drum to exotic.
Also, you should consider using a dildo to keep your vaginal muscles active and flexible (and there are some
interesting sexual toys that combine both a vibrator and dildo that simultaneously stimulate your clitoris, vagina
and G-spot.
Whatever you use, be sure to apply plenty of lubrication with both clitoral and vaginal stimulation.
If and when you do decide to experience intercourse again, it might be a good ideas to talk to your gynecologist to
make sure your vaginal tissues are healthy and ready, especially because it has already been a decade since you
have been sexually active.
Remember, the safest (and statistically the most satisfying) sex is built on trust with one partner in a committed
relationship. We're old-fashioned enough to believe that marriage provides both that level of trust and
commitment.
You should also think about how to talk to your partner about sex long before it actually happens, especially on
how to make sure you use a barrier method of contraception (older people are one of the highest-percentage
groups for contacting sexually transmitted diseases).
In the meantime, enjoy your dreams and fantasies!
PORN? EROTICA?
J.M. from India:
- What do you think of porn? How about erotica? My husband has much less
of a problem with both of them than I do (and I'm not really sure the
difference between porn and erotica). It hasn't affected our sex life much,
but he likes to watch it when I'm not interested in having intercourse. Is it
bad? Good?
Jeoffrey and Renée:
Not surprisingly, men self-pleasure themselves with porn and erotica
more often than women do. A recent study in the Archives of Sexual
Behavior found that men's self-pleasuring is accompanied by porn or
erotica nearly half the time, as opposed to 9 percent of the time for
women.
A bigger question is what is is the difference between porn and erotica?
Are there good forms of stimuli, or are all harmful? There are plenty of
research materials available for you to determine what both you and your
husband are willing to accept into your life and what you don't want
available.
Health. Another excellent article on the differences between pornography and erotica appears in Psychology
Today. Another article at Psychology Today points to the ill-effects and unreality of hardcore porn. All three of
these articles can be great conversation starters.
We hope both you and your husband find the answers and mutual agreement that you desire, and that your
relationship will be built on trust and commitment, which can be the best aphrodisiacs of all.
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| ILLUSTRATING THIS TOPIC, CLICK HERE... |
D. J. from Myrtle Beach, SC:
I really like your book. I've learned a lot from it. My wife was sort of skeptical, since she always said I wanted sex
too much, but now she's actually been reading the book. Her group of friends are now discussing it. How's that
for a turnaround? Anyway, I have never seen a question like this before on your website, a book or anywhere
else, and I'm damned sure not going to ask anyone I know. Here's the deal...when I'm making love to my wife, I
sometimes slip over into a fantasy world that is a real turn-on to me. The thing is that I usually don't think of
someone else, but my wife. And I don't think about my wife as she is now. I think of her when she was 40 or 30 or
like when we first got married. In my fantasy world, I'm still the same age I am now. Have you ever heard of
something like this? Am I dirty old man for thinking this way? It's like I'm having an affair with some younger
woman who is actually my wife. Am I some kind of sicko with a warped view of sex for thinking about things like
this?
Jeoffrey and Renée:
Psychology Today recently featured an article on the subject of fantasy (click here to read it). You aren't a sicko
with a warped view of sex. Fantasy is normal for most humans. It's what causes our imaginations to soar and our
passions to rise. The many facets of your wife, and the fact that you fantasize about her, should be heartwarming
to her, but only you can know if she is open to a frank discussion of what you described. If not, enjoy. If so, enjoy.
I really like your book. I've learned a lot from it. My wife was sort of skeptical, since she always said I wanted sex
too much, but now she's actually been reading the book. Her group of friends are now discussing it. How's that
for a turnaround? Anyway, I have never seen a question like this before on your website, a book or anywhere
else, and I'm damned sure not going to ask anyone I know. Here's the deal...when I'm making love to my wife, I
sometimes slip over into a fantasy world that is a real turn-on to me. The thing is that I usually don't think of
someone else, but my wife. And I don't think about my wife as she is now. I think of her when she was 40 or 30 or
like when we first got married. In my fantasy world, I'm still the same age I am now. Have you ever heard of
something like this? Am I dirty old man for thinking this way? It's like I'm having an affair with some younger
woman who is actually my wife. Am I some kind of sicko with a warped view of sex for thinking about things like
this?
Jeoffrey and Renée:
Psychology Today recently featured an article on the subject of fantasy (click here to read it). You aren't a sicko
with a warped view of sex. Fantasy is normal for most humans. It's what causes our imaginations to soar and our
passions to rise. The many facets of your wife, and the fact that you fantasize about her, should be heartwarming
to her, but only you can know if she is open to a frank discussion of what you described. If not, enjoy. If so, enjoy.
2016
