FirePointe, DeLeeuw, Jeoffrey and Renee Powell, Jeoffrey Powell, Renee Powell, Seasoned Romance,
This is a new feature of FirePointe.com, and is already one of
the most popular spotlights on this site. Additional topics will
be added soon.
Topics (A to Z):
the most popular spotlights on this site. Additional topics will
be added soon.
Topics (A to Z):
- Better Lifestyle Choices for Better Lovemaking (soon)
- Differences in Sexual Appetites/Libido (below)
- Oral Sex for Older Lovers (soon)
- Physical Changes Men Can Expect with Aging (soon)
- Physical Changes Women Can Expect with Aging (soon)
- Secrets to Better Communication (soon)
- Self-Pleasuring (soon)
- The Best Sexual Positions for Older Lovers (soon)
- What Can I Do If He/She Wants to Do Nothing? (soon)
| My Question...Seasoned Answers |
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DIFFERENCES IN SEXUAL APPETITES/DIFFERENCES IN LIBIDO
J.D. from Atlanta, GA:
I'm 55 years old. I'd love to say that I have a romantic life like the ones in Seasoned Romance, but nothing could
be further from the truth.
My wife of nearly 25 years loves me, I know. I love her for sure. But sex has lately become more of a "wifely duty"
than something pleasurable for her. Once we get going, she usually has a good time, as do I. Almost every time
she has at least one climax.
You'd think she would be raring to go the next time, but nothing seems to change, no matter how good it was
the time before.
It's just getting it started that's the problem. What am I supposed to do when she rolls her eyes and says, "Okay,
but let's get it over with?" I'd almost rather not do anything when she cops that kind of attitude. Almost!
Renée:
There are no magic answers, especially with the frustration and resentment both of you have built up. However,
we do have a few suggestions.
Believe it or not, many women who say they have no libido are actually able to become physically aroused and
have orgasms without much difficulty. What they do find difficult, and sometimes even impossible, is to feel any
passion or any desire for sex beforehand.
If your wife hasn't had a complete physical, suggest lovingly that you'd like for both of you to get a thorough
exam. Her lack of desire could likely be caused by a change in hormones or some other medical reason.
If there is no apparent medical reason for the changes she is experiencing, we would suggest a counselor,
especially if you can find one who specializes in sexual problems. If your wife refuses, go by yourself. If she asks
why, say something like this, "I love you deeply, but I sometimes feel frustrated. Mainly I want to things to be
better for both of us."
In the meantime, offer a back rub, bring her flowers, buy or make a romantic and meaningful card−all with no
sexual strings attached. Many women believe, often because of years of experience, that the only time her man
does something nice is because he wants to jump right into the sack. Read Chapter 9 of Seasoned Romance,
Book 1, for a complete list of being more romantic as a man.
And if you think this is a challenge that only men face, keep reading...
E.M. from Melbourne, Australia:
I'm at my wit's end. My husband and I always had pretty good sexual relations until a couple of years ago. When
he turned 60, it was almost like he flipped a switch and no longer wants to be intimate.
There's no way I would cheat on him. Nor would I leave him. I truly love him and know that he loves me. But he
just clams up when I try to talk to him about it. A couple of times he actually said, "That's for younger people. Get
over it."
Sure, I have a vibrator. I can satisfy myself. But it's not the same. Is there something wrong with me?
I guess I was willing to accept things as they were until I read your Seasoned Romance book, and I found myself
asking again and again, "If people older than us can make it work and have wonderful lovemaking experiences,
why can't we?"
Am I wrong at wanting more at 54?
Jeoffrey:
In a word: No! Two words: Absolutely not!
We began the Seasoned Romance book series project as a tribute to the many couples and individuals over 55
who found a way to experience romance, regardless of their age. Many of the people we interviewed for other
research projects astounded us by saying, "It's better than ever. Different, but definitely better."
As we conducted the interviews that eventually inspired the book series, we kept hearing the phrase, "The most
important sexual organ is between your ears."
And that may be the problem with your husband. There are many reasons for this. Perhaps it is physical, and a
complete medical examination may help uncover the underlying problems. Perhaps it is a new medicine (or
combination) he is taking that is causing the lack of libido. There are many medical reasons for decreased
desire, but there are an equal number of answers if he is willing to explore them.
Along with the physical reasons, there are can be numerous "between the ears" causes.
It is devastating, sometimes, for a man as he gets older who can't get an erection like he did when he was 18.
Rather than discuss it or deal with it, he simply clams up, as you described. The next time it happens, it
reinforces all the lame jokes he's heard about "It's always the first thing to go!" What a crock, but men believe it,
especially when a failure or two eventually leads to a full-blown case of performance anxiety.
As mentioned, there may be any number of reasons for what has happened to your husband. A good counselor
may be able to help him get these out in the open. Your patience is invaluable.
In the meantime, seek to be romantic with no pressure. Say, "I love you just for what you mean to me right now."
Tell him how much you enjoy his kisses. Share what he does for you and how often you think him.
Get creative, especially as you discover more about what is causing his change in behavior.
And if your romantic affirmations have the effect you desire, understand that some things inevitably change. Be
aware that a man needs more pressure and stroking before he gets as aroused as before. If both of you are
comfortable with oral sex, ask what he likes best and do it with gusto. Hopefully he will reciprocate, but whether
he does or not, enjoy it.
You have a lot of years invested in your marriage. You have a good foundation. Seek ways to build on that
foundation instead of watching it deteriorate.
And in the meantime, keep your vibrator handy. Perhaps add a dildo. Spend time affirming your own positive
traits. Treat yourself to bubble baths. And please don't allow yourself to feel guilty for giving yourself pleasure!
You deserve it.
J.D. from Atlanta, GA:
I'm 55 years old. I'd love to say that I have a romantic life like the ones in Seasoned Romance, but nothing could
be further from the truth.
My wife of nearly 25 years loves me, I know. I love her for sure. But sex has lately become more of a "wifely duty"
than something pleasurable for her. Once we get going, she usually has a good time, as do I. Almost every time
she has at least one climax.
You'd think she would be raring to go the next time, but nothing seems to change, no matter how good it was
the time before.
It's just getting it started that's the problem. What am I supposed to do when she rolls her eyes and says, "Okay,
but let's get it over with?" I'd almost rather not do anything when she cops that kind of attitude. Almost!
Renée:
There are no magic answers, especially with the frustration and resentment both of you have built up. However,
we do have a few suggestions.
Believe it or not, many women who say they have no libido are actually able to become physically aroused and
have orgasms without much difficulty. What they do find difficult, and sometimes even impossible, is to feel any
passion or any desire for sex beforehand.
If your wife hasn't had a complete physical, suggest lovingly that you'd like for both of you to get a thorough
exam. Her lack of desire could likely be caused by a change in hormones or some other medical reason.
If there is no apparent medical reason for the changes she is experiencing, we would suggest a counselor,
especially if you can find one who specializes in sexual problems. If your wife refuses, go by yourself. If she asks
why, say something like this, "I love you deeply, but I sometimes feel frustrated. Mainly I want to things to be
better for both of us."
In the meantime, offer a back rub, bring her flowers, buy or make a romantic and meaningful card−all with no
sexual strings attached. Many women believe, often because of years of experience, that the only time her man
does something nice is because he wants to jump right into the sack. Read Chapter 9 of Seasoned Romance,
Book 1, for a complete list of being more romantic as a man.
And if you think this is a challenge that only men face, keep reading...
E.M. from Melbourne, Australia:
I'm at my wit's end. My husband and I always had pretty good sexual relations until a couple of years ago. When
he turned 60, it was almost like he flipped a switch and no longer wants to be intimate.
There's no way I would cheat on him. Nor would I leave him. I truly love him and know that he loves me. But he
just clams up when I try to talk to him about it. A couple of times he actually said, "That's for younger people. Get
over it."
Sure, I have a vibrator. I can satisfy myself. But it's not the same. Is there something wrong with me?
I guess I was willing to accept things as they were until I read your Seasoned Romance book, and I found myself
asking again and again, "If people older than us can make it work and have wonderful lovemaking experiences,
why can't we?"
Am I wrong at wanting more at 54?
Jeoffrey:
In a word: No! Two words: Absolutely not!
We began the Seasoned Romance book series project as a tribute to the many couples and individuals over 55
who found a way to experience romance, regardless of their age. Many of the people we interviewed for other
research projects astounded us by saying, "It's better than ever. Different, but definitely better."
As we conducted the interviews that eventually inspired the book series, we kept hearing the phrase, "The most
important sexual organ is between your ears."
And that may be the problem with your husband. There are many reasons for this. Perhaps it is physical, and a
complete medical examination may help uncover the underlying problems. Perhaps it is a new medicine (or
combination) he is taking that is causing the lack of libido. There are many medical reasons for decreased
desire, but there are an equal number of answers if he is willing to explore them.
Along with the physical reasons, there are can be numerous "between the ears" causes.
It is devastating, sometimes, for a man as he gets older who can't get an erection like he did when he was 18.
Rather than discuss it or deal with it, he simply clams up, as you described. The next time it happens, it
reinforces all the lame jokes he's heard about "It's always the first thing to go!" What a crock, but men believe it,
especially when a failure or two eventually leads to a full-blown case of performance anxiety.
As mentioned, there may be any number of reasons for what has happened to your husband. A good counselor
may be able to help him get these out in the open. Your patience is invaluable.
In the meantime, seek to be romantic with no pressure. Say, "I love you just for what you mean to me right now."
Tell him how much you enjoy his kisses. Share what he does for you and how often you think him.
Get creative, especially as you discover more about what is causing his change in behavior.
And if your romantic affirmations have the effect you desire, understand that some things inevitably change. Be
aware that a man needs more pressure and stroking before he gets as aroused as before. If both of you are
comfortable with oral sex, ask what he likes best and do it with gusto. Hopefully he will reciprocate, but whether
he does or not, enjoy it.
You have a lot of years invested in your marriage. You have a good foundation. Seek ways to build on that
foundation instead of watching it deteriorate.
And in the meantime, keep your vibrator handy. Perhaps add a dildo. Spend time affirming your own positive
traits. Treat yourself to bubble baths. And please don't allow yourself to feel guilty for giving yourself pleasure!
You deserve it.
